The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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