Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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