she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
