I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
