Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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