this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
