You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
