Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
