two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
