You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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