I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
