we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
