I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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