Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Just puked most of my soul out..
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
