Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
