i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
