I wish I could teleport
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
