Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
