my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
