She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
