i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
