I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
