Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
