he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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