There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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