So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
