The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Houston, we have a blender
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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