i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
