please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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