i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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