if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
