on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
