If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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