You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
