did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
