Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
