i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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