Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
