I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
