I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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