She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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