Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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