my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
