I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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