he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
