i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
