I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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