Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
