i need an iv and a liver transplant
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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