And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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