Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
