Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
