Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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